An everyday feeling........

Life brings us at crossroads more often than we would like. Making a choice is really hard.  The hardest choice in life is to make the decision to move on. In all practicalities one should move on, get along in Life. Find greener pastures, get over ones losses and in effect forget the mishap or mishaps. But in your heart you will always feel a certain helplessness of having no hold over what happened. Over a period of time we will learn to blame it on 'kismet. But hear from someone who suffers each day, what you could have done, what you should have done, the face of that loved one, all the prayers that should have been said,all those thoughts come back to haunt you.

It seems like many years have passed by since she left us, my vivacious, short tempered, ingenious young aunt. In many ways I am a copy of her, the same height, the same temper, the same smile, the same round face, and even to an extent the same ingenuity. I often think of all that I could of done for her to be still with us, all that we could have done for her still to be a part of the family. And I can think of so many things. It fills me with remorse to think that I was so naive and selfish that it took a life for me to realise that power of faith and love is the greatest source of strength. I believe every person needs one such person who would give up everything, even their life for him or her. If you have that one person, you find a reason to live and the prayers you need. More than anything she wanted to live, on her last day, as she confirmed to the nurse on being asked that I was her niece and that my name is amrita. someone with such a strong will and so much passion for Life has not only every right to live but every right to enjoy every moment of life. I cannot and will not question His decision. I donot know how He decides that one has enough sufferings and needs to be rid of them, I donot know how He decides that someone's Chakra of Life has come full circle, whatever He does, no one can or should question, but I pray to Him that He gives everyone atleast one person, a father, a mother, a lover, a child, a sibling, an in-law, someone who loves you so much that Life seems worthwhile and complete. I would be the happiest if He gives us , all of them.

She did not have that one person, let alone all, who without skipping a beat would give up everything for her. i wish I could have been that person, I wish I did not have to say that now it is too late, i wish I would have been a better person. Today, I ask her and God both, to forgive me, to forgive all of us. May God rest her soul in peace. Her passing away taught us all a lot of things, and it taught me a lot. Some part of me will always hate me, for not doing what I could or should have. And there is no denying that there was a lot I could have a done, a lot.

I pray to her, to forgive us, to forgive me, to Bless us from up there and thank her for the great many things she has taught us with her sacrifice.

I pray to God to give her, and all those who have died without fullfilling their dreams and all of us living, to give us long,happy, healthy, peaceful and successful lives and make us better people and good human beings.

I am sorry Moni bua.

Remebering Pragya

Amidst all the shock and frustration over the attacks in Bombay, another horiffic news reached me. Pragya Mehrotra expired.
Memories are fading, but as I remember, Pragya, Sumedha, Ahona and me used to have a lot of "heated discussions" with Pragya, probably being the only one debating because she really was interested in a discussion, while the rest of us where just indulging in a sophisticated ego trip. When she spoke there were only wide eyed onlookers, people stared at her like she spoke greek! Boys thought she was crazy, but back then I dont think boys knew what deep discussions or passionate causes meant, the only ones who seemed to be interested where either numbered or pseudo intellectuals. Either way, none a match for our spunky girl.
By the end of our school years she was a branded feminist and how I would have loved to join her, if only I had half her dedication to "the cause": whatever it was. If someone asked me how I remember Pragya, I would always say, I remeber her as that graceful, elegant, tall girl with great in depth analytical skills and the wonderful gift of expression. I still remember, she was the only other girl, decked in a plain cotton sarree, her style statement, while all the rest of us strutted our stuff, in silks, chiffons and zardosis.
Over the years, we were never in touch, but that girl was inspiration personified. I was happy to know that she was at law school, getting ready to do perhaps what best suited her personality, standing up for what she thought was right against the wrongs.
Infact, I have not been half as happy knowing about any other contemporary's success, as I was knowing about hers.
Her pics in Mani's profile showed how beuatiful she had become over the years, how much like the Pragya I imagined her to be , when I thought of her. While I think, age , worry, life in general, somehow wilts the struggling ambitious average education seeking individual, she was perhaps doing something she truly loved and thus appeared to be blooming. That captivating, powerful smile, is still etched in my mind.
So when I heard the news from somal about her demise, it was like a bolt of lightening.
I am scared to think what may have happened. I am scared to think what I might hear.
I am not even sure I want to know.
I want to remember her forever like the girl I knew and so admired- the lovely Pragya Freya Mehrotra.

300 hundred words donot do justice to why i think it is important to know who I am and where I am coming from.

Something I wrote for a publication-
Advantages of knowing one’s root, language and culture in this era of world citizenship

-Amrita Datta, Tulane University,
New Orleans, LA
Dated: 26th august’08

While going global, and, east meets west is not a bad idea, in the long run when one takes a step back, to look at things from a third person perspective, the idea of world citizenship lands, most, if not all globe trotters and citizens of the world, if you will, in a grey area, namely identity crisis.
While you, as citizens of the world are able to make intelligent wisecracks on the open french food market and seem to have developed a taste for wasabi and raw fish, how comfortable are you in your own skin, or how much do you know about the land of your forefathers? In essence who are you and what makes you different from any other person reading this article?

To know who you are and where you come from, is imperative, and more so in today’s era.
And while I am not a great believer in building a microcosmic community feeling, I nevertheless take a pride in the fact that I am firstly an Indian, and then a cosmopolitan Bengali.
As I see the sun go down on the banks of Mississippi, I close my eyes, to smell the water, transcending myself to the banks of Haridwar, with its chiming bells and thousand lights. That is who I am. So many such things, give me a sense of belonging, keep me rooted, keep me cocooned, keep me going, so no matter where I am or who with, I know I have a long line of ancestors and an unparalleled history in terms of culture, traditions, religion and faith over looking me. That to me is all the advantage I need.

Lineage.....

A great lineage could mean so many things....to some it means a family history of Harvard or MIT degrees...or IIM and ISC graduates....to some it may mean a family history of great film stars......to many more it may mean.....a family background of politicians, civil servants, engineers or doctors.
To me a great lineage is, a family history of shared roof, a family history of loyalty, love, fearlessness, self empowerment, girl power and selfless work.

My mother often asks me to think about giving the civil service exams when I get back home, and more often than not the idea is ridiculed by my father, saying that....in the civil services lineage is very important...you have to have a background in it...a family history of civil servants.... for you to survive, else like so many others you are just a pawn, not to say that if you have a family background of civil servants then you are not a pawn, but then that is a whole different line of discussion in itself, let's keep that for some time later.
My concern here is less contextual, the question i ask myself is what is lineage?
My paternal aunt, while still a young girl, single handedly took it upon herself to bring up three brothers and two sisters, sacrificing her personal life....and becoming an income tax officer at the tender age of 21.......my maternal grandfather rose from a red cross volunteer to being the Secratary general of Red Cross simulatneously bringing up younger siblings his own five children and supporting his older siblings....
It is simple chemistry, like the change in oxidation state. To me, My aunt and grandfather add more value to the word lineage than a family history of IITians .
Ofcourse it is a great honour and responsibilty (if not burden too ) to carry the family name forward for all those who are children of privilige and lineage, in the generally percieved sense of the word, and I agree that they deserve a pat in the back for being what they are BUT to me when I see a a guy , my own classmate of four years..... from a small village in Bihar(, India), mortgage his father's only piece of land and earn an engineering degree, learn to speak english in an environment with reeks with mockery at the non english speakers, survive financial difficulties and personal struggles and get a dream job, that to me, is, lineage in the making.

Many years ago...I had heard this song on radio...under dim lights, sleeping with ma. I would have to think it was tenth grade, the summer of '99. In the heart of the night,the sound of sweet lilting music filled me with so much warmth...I was sleepy because I never quite caught the name of the song or the artist. I never forgot the song, ofcourse the words faded, and the music was no more than a very faint jingle.

Today, 9 years down the line, I was searching youtube for John Denver's "leaving on a jet plane", the video ,the lyrics of the song ,for a reason I still cannot quite comprehend, compelled me to know more about the man who made such beautiful music and wrote such exquisite words.

Wikipedia ,like many occassions gives me a detailed account his life, works, and other trivia.

It talks of this and that. I can almost see, imagine the man right in front of my eyes.
I quote from wikipedia, Denver's first marriage was to Annie Martell of St. Peter, Minnesota. Annie was the subject of his much-beloved hit "Annie's Song".

I am alone in the lab and it's a sunday. So, as my trypsin-EDTA thaws, I hit the link for 'John Denver - Annie´s Song' posted by one...lsauria.
I get back to sifting through papers on the desk.
The music begins...there is a strange trembling in me.....much like when I heard the notes for Celine Dion's "evrynight in my dreams..." as i saw jack go down into the atlantic.
And then it all came rushing back.....the summer of '99. It wasn't a magnificent summer, but it was the summer I had heard this spectacular, almost haunting, lovely love song.
The magic was all over the room, recreated almost 9 years later.....
A thousand salutes and more to the "One" above...God....He sure has His ways......

"......you fill up my senses...like a night in the forest...like mountains in spring time...like a walk in the rain....."

Shades of Grey....perceptions...and a little bit of me

'Hey! you're too cute to be a doctor!"
A cynicist's take on the above statement would be...cute?
u mean ugly ..right?
A pessimist's take : I always new I was ugly....
A narcissist's take: just cute! I am pretty! intelligent! witty and sexy!
On a good day I would love to hear something like that and look into the mirror twice to confirm the same...on a bad day i would growl and cringe my face and think..damn! now I am too cute to be a doctor! not to mention I still have'nt got a PhD yet!

What would you think if you saw a tall balding, man,on the wrong side of 60, perhaps and a young woman, pretty,high maintainence,holding hands ?
Well it sure depends on where you are coming from and whether you are thinking your thoughts loud or not.
If it was someone else..I'd say..hey dont judge they could be father and daughter but if I were telling myself, I'd smirk and say...." ya right!"
The duo turned out be father and daughter. I was at the Chicago airport.
The point i want to make here is that I have forever told myself that I am not a hypocrite, but this particular incident points at the contrary.
For years I believed that there could only be good or bad. I remeber Shafiq telling me that people are actually not black or white ...everybody is a shade of grey. No pun intended.

I raised hell against girls who "used" guys , I still do..and hated guys who "used" girls...whatever that means...I've been there my self and as my mother rightly pointed out two weeks back, I have been on the wrong side of the fence more than once, each time trying to justify why that was "different"....however now that I come to think of it , it was not any different.
I had spent quite a bit of my 22 years trying to classify people around me into black or white. What a waste....

Look at God himself....Lord Krishna....teaches us in many ways that He himself is not without shades, not without chal and kapat(fraud). 'Shyam' is a name that suits Him litrally and otherwise.

We cannot try even if we do, to be completely 'black' or 'white'.
As such to call someone simply an optimist or a pessimist or any '....ist' ,would then be foolish.
We are a bit of everything.
No matter how much I love him, I always look at the price of the tickets before deciding to visit him or not. This practicality, inevitably lands me into a grey area. I am no more the white i always wanted and claimed to be.

So while I am whining about all things unwanting,unfamiliar and at way-off wavelengths here, in the US, the real problem is me, refusing to loosen my strings or my purse's strings, refusing to take a third person perspective. So when I say, "Ma, they either think I am too arrogant or too foolish", the thing is I really am arrogant and foolish.

And before I go pointing fingers at the world, declare myself a matyr at the hands of a foolish school or college crush, or circumstances and time in general, fish for compliments, milk in praise, try to do 'the right thing' or keep rubbing it in about what an epitome of goodness and putrity I am and STILL think i am 'white' [:)]........here's a reality check....the color's GREY....

As much as this is a reality check for me. This is a hand's on reality check for many people I know, who may need it. Now that I am grey I need not sugar coat my feelings...! yippee!

At 22 !

School is that perfect place,that everyone thinks will set them up for life. For some it's the place that grounds them for life,for some it's an early mating ground, for some a play ground, for many others school is just one more step and for a few lucky ones it gives them a direction in Life.
And for many reasons, good or bad, you always have these snapshots of school life that you never really forget.

I changed a couple of schools,and as a result i never really loved any, in a way one should. So when I call myself a patelian (Sardar Patel Vidyalaya,grade 6th-12th), I donot really feel like one. what's worse, I have at home an epitome of patelianess, my sister, a true patelian to the core (in the school since nursery). Even though in many ways the school actually made me the person I am today, I have never felt a sense of belonging to it, ofcourse in part my free spirit is to be blamed.

So, while i built a strong individual identity, I didnt really identify with anyone else, I had no sense of belonging. In essence I was like this small rivulet not knowing my source, and that point of time in my life not knowing my mouth. ( Note : the mouth, of a river is known as its base level, the end where it drains itself)

I entered college with a heavy heart, It was not what I had wanted for myself at all. As a child I had ig dreams of going into Medicine and now I was stuck in an unheard of engineering college, doing something I had never heard of before : Biotechnology. Life and it's games! To top it all , I had to wear a uniform to college and that too with a tie. All my school years I had smirked at other school people when that had to wear horrible ties, and here I was stuck for four years with what i had hated witha passion. You will realise that when you are kinda down in the dumps even the slightest of discomforts, arouses in you the strongest of passions: in my case hatred for an innocent tie. It is ofcourse another matter that in my four years, i was one of the 'out of line' ones who never bothered to wear the uniform let alone 'the tie' and I made it a point to never learn to tie a tie(knot).

College gave me the best four years of my 22 years of Life. College was my grounding, it was my play ground(met my best friends here, ankit, rohitash, ankita, sukul, abhas sir, smit, met unlikely like minded people like nidhi and amol,refound varun,lost dev),found ravi it gave me a direction in Life and best of all it gave me a sense of belonging. Despite it being nothing like the college of my dreams, it was both my haven and my adventure.
It shook me up,fit me in ,pruned and accessorized me,took me to newer highs, dropped me to newer lows,made me a believer, a fighter and infused in me the power of persevernce and goodness and helped me overcome all my insecurities. Ofcourse there were bad grades and Holi fines, phone confiscations and 9 pm curfews, but hey who cares cause' there were good grades too and Ankita n me are the only gals to have entered the boys hostel (thanks to the holi fine: 2000 bucks to play holi with a bunch of nuts) and the phone confiscation made me realise I was not above others and I never followed the 9 pm curfew.

It gave me my many firsts,first infatuation, first real heart break,first ouster from class, first night out, first hostel, first bike ride,first flat sleep over, my first music appreciation and not to forget, my first four year degree.

At 22 I have realised that those four years are the most enviable part of the 22. Nothing could ever measure upto the bond I share with Jaypee Institute of Information Technology.


to be contd...

"The Pain"

I dedicate this little piece to all my friends who have gone through,are going through or have gone through, what i call " The Pain".
Be it that 10 pointer girl who seemed to be a complete testosterone repellent or the hopeless chap who never came to class or that nameless dude you said Hi to every morning and coming closer, your best friend or coming closest..you.....at some point in life we all go through it. A hidden pain,no one ever got to know about or a painful fiasco which was talk of the entire university....
Anyone who lives to be a man/woman/man-woman has definitely gone through a heartbreak...mild,serious or life threatening...it's happened....
You may never confess, the hidden love in your heart ...and your heart breaks as you watch her walk hand in hand with someone else....or you may make a complete fool of yourself declaring your love....and your heart breaks as rejection hits you right in your face....

My first heart break was in school in eighth grade,the pain that overweight,balding footballer caused came back to me now and then,not so much a pain but like little splinters causing discomfort and irritation. In college I forced myself to believe that I was taken in by this complete, go by the book guy....who lit,flashed and flicked girls like matchsticks! no really! ...and yet was the innocent one....Of course we shall not go into all the hurt I may or have caused, that is a story to be discussed some other time.
Hey..Hey...hold on I am trying to make a point here...the point is...the heart is as you tell it to be...and it heals...for some it may take days...others may take a few months..and some may take years...but it is all in your hand....I believe that i could have put an end to that matchstick story if i wanted to,in a month but i stretched it for two whole years....the gain? well it makes for a good story to tell... :) No seriously,don't try if the other person is just serving up trash.Just as before, there are two choices to make: Choice one: Don't' try, just move on,it's a long way and a big world,you'll meet someone,you don't deserve trash, and you know that.Clear cut. Non-messy.
Choice two: don't' try, walk on...and is you are a little thick skinned..just turn back a little, try some more...by then he or she will know what it means to lose you,so a)if they care, you are back on track b) if they don't, their loss,you move on....
Remember, don't show anyone, who doesn't care how much it hurt. Don't!
Believe me the deeper the cut, the longer it takes to heal...so don't let it turn from a scratch to a gash! For the optimists, move on, at the next turn you will find love, for the semi-optimists,move on, on some turn you will find love, for the non optimists(i don't particularly like pessimists, so I choose to avoid the term), you can find love, with anyone you want(arranged scenarios....at least your parents will be delighted!)
However, only those people heal who are believers....faith is the sustenance of Life. In a world where twenty year marriages with two kids can end what's a two year romance?

Let us for a moment not talk about people who claim they have never fallen in love.

In a world where affairs are more often than not, just that, affairs, 50% fall in love because they are in love with the concept of being in love, being in a relationship,the person they are with is really more of a coincidence. Another, 15% believes they have met their match, the one made for them, the perfect love and set themselves up for a claustrophobic relationship without space. Another 15% believes in free love, love one,love all....they are of course best left undiscussed.
Another 20% fall in love with all sincerity, in all practicality, and in all their senses, and then something suddenly snaps.
I believe there is nothing like "my only true love". Love is a function of time. With time you change, your needs change, your perspective changes,your love changes. For the people in love,heart breaks happen because one person changes with time and the other doesn't.
So, the concept of forever only exists if there is change, anyone close to you can be your true love,anyone who goes through life's changes with you, that explains why friendship is the basis of great love(note: i never say true love).
You may ask, how with this theory can I explain arranged marriages that have worked for as long as we know, and in the Indian scenario represents a " till death do us part"! Well for starters, I never said an arrangement couldn't lead to love, but also the two people in the arrangement may have just learnt to live with their heart breaks, in our lingo " a compromise".
In our day and age, most people don't want a compromise, and hence this whole fuss about heart breaks resurfaces.

Dont' hide "The Pain" under a bandaid ,the best way to deal with it is to expose it, let " The Elements" heal it...the more you hide it, keep supressed feelings, the more painful, pus filled it gets, there is no magic band aid for it, bring it out, vent it, talk about it, let that sore become so weather beaten that it not only heals but leaves you stronger...ready maybe for a next heart break or your great love......any which way, the scar that is left behind will always tell you that you had kept the faith, moved on and been brave, ofcourse it will be a great scar story to tell a couple of years down the line......

So dont let " The Pain" keep you from "living" life.....and for those who still havent confesssed, take the plunge, do it....speak up.....remember if you havent been through heart breaks...you havent been there and done that.....



to be contd....

A bubble at a time

If you sailed through Life without having tested unchartered waters or facing rough weather,you wouldn't have interesting stories to share or a life well "lived" to look back at? No really! Come to think of it, if He never told us what it means to fail,would we ever be relieved to pass? If you never tasted "bad" food would you know what finger licking food means? If you didn't have a failed realationship, you wouldn't know why true love felt so good!
Someone's theory of relativity definitely goes beyond physics.
So, I spent a whole working day,shedding tears, thinking of how I am all alone in this land of oppurtunities,without any of the people I love,around me,sleeping and eating my way through salty waters and self made darkness,and what may you guess I ended up with?
Well..Well..A day of missed lectures worth one tenth of my grade, a couple of pounds I could have definitely done without and one big wasted day in the first quarter of my Life...assuming I will live to be atleast a hundred!
There are always atleast two choices to everything in Life,more often than not,the more difficult one is the one we "ought" to make and most ordinary people, more often than not end up making the easier one,let's say for example, I could get up,go pull the blinds and let some sunshine into the room,but what I do is push a button and turn on the lamp right next to me...why? 'cause it's easier that way. Then again, I could get up cook a healthy, if not good meal,but I pick up a handy bag of chips...why? 'cause it's easier that way.
Making that one right choice,may be all the difference between your present uneasy,frustrated,claustrophobic state of mind or a rejuvenated,lighter if not happier state of mind and if nothing, it will surely leave you a few wrinkles less for when you are 40, now you want tha...don't you? I sure do.....

I have realised one other thing.....there is really no point thinking of 'what could have been', 'what is' is what you have,take it or take it (an exception to the two choices norm above!) Hey! what's the point of mooning over that really pretty dress that you just couldn'y buy or that great weather outside that you couldn't enjoy,or that really pshyco proff you just couldn't get by....forget it! stop living in has beens....

Most of us go through Life thinking I have to do 'this' now because five years down the line I want 'that'. Even before we have crossed one bridge, we are looking to cross another,in effect we forget to live in the moment,and life just seems to be a time bound track of hurdles.
I am the sort of person,who on the first day of vacation sobs over the fact that the countdown to it's end has begun, thereby killing the joy and purpose of the vacation, I make this big resoluions mid-year,to stop being a kill joy,but come next vacation,I am back to square one. And vacation is but a metaphor, i end up doing that to so many special moments in my Life.

In both cases my present is somewhere buried between what was and what will be....so what pray is the way out?

to be continued.....

to be continued