An everyday feeling........

Life brings us at crossroads more often than we would like. Making a choice is really hard.  The hardest choice in life is to make the decision to move on. In all practicalities one should move on, get along in Life. Find greener pastures, get over ones losses and in effect forget the mishap or mishaps. But in your heart you will always feel a certain helplessness of having no hold over what happened. Over a period of time we will learn to blame it on 'kismet. But hear from someone who suffers each day, what you could have done, what you should have done, the face of that loved one, all the prayers that should have been said,all those thoughts come back to haunt you.

It seems like many years have passed by since she left us, my vivacious, short tempered, ingenious young aunt. In many ways I am a copy of her, the same height, the same temper, the same smile, the same round face, and even to an extent the same ingenuity. I often think of all that I could of done for her to be still with us, all that we could have done for her still to be a part of the family. And I can think of so many things. It fills me with remorse to think that I was so naive and selfish that it took a life for me to realise that power of faith and love is the greatest source of strength. I believe every person needs one such person who would give up everything, even their life for him or her. If you have that one person, you find a reason to live and the prayers you need. More than anything she wanted to live, on her last day, as she confirmed to the nurse on being asked that I was her niece and that my name is amrita. someone with such a strong will and so much passion for Life has not only every right to live but every right to enjoy every moment of life. I cannot and will not question His decision. I donot know how He decides that one has enough sufferings and needs to be rid of them, I donot know how He decides that someone's Chakra of Life has come full circle, whatever He does, no one can or should question, but I pray to Him that He gives everyone atleast one person, a father, a mother, a lover, a child, a sibling, an in-law, someone who loves you so much that Life seems worthwhile and complete. I would be the happiest if He gives us , all of them.

She did not have that one person, let alone all, who without skipping a beat would give up everything for her. i wish I could have been that person, I wish I did not have to say that now it is too late, i wish I would have been a better person. Today, I ask her and God both, to forgive me, to forgive all of us. May God rest her soul in peace. Her passing away taught us all a lot of things, and it taught me a lot. Some part of me will always hate me, for not doing what I could or should have. And there is no denying that there was a lot I could have a done, a lot.

I pray to her, to forgive us, to forgive me, to Bless us from up there and thank her for the great many things she has taught us with her sacrifice.

I pray to God to give her, and all those who have died without fullfilling their dreams and all of us living, to give us long,happy, healthy, peaceful and successful lives and make us better people and good human beings.

I am sorry Moni bua.

Remebering Pragya

Amidst all the shock and frustration over the attacks in Bombay, another horiffic news reached me. Pragya Mehrotra expired.
Memories are fading, but as I remember, Pragya, Sumedha, Ahona and me used to have a lot of "heated discussions" with Pragya, probably being the only one debating because she really was interested in a discussion, while the rest of us where just indulging in a sophisticated ego trip. When she spoke there were only wide eyed onlookers, people stared at her like she spoke greek! Boys thought she was crazy, but back then I dont think boys knew what deep discussions or passionate causes meant, the only ones who seemed to be interested where either numbered or pseudo intellectuals. Either way, none a match for our spunky girl.
By the end of our school years she was a branded feminist and how I would have loved to join her, if only I had half her dedication to "the cause": whatever it was. If someone asked me how I remember Pragya, I would always say, I remeber her as that graceful, elegant, tall girl with great in depth analytical skills and the wonderful gift of expression. I still remember, she was the only other girl, decked in a plain cotton sarree, her style statement, while all the rest of us strutted our stuff, in silks, chiffons and zardosis.
Over the years, we were never in touch, but that girl was inspiration personified. I was happy to know that she was at law school, getting ready to do perhaps what best suited her personality, standing up for what she thought was right against the wrongs.
Infact, I have not been half as happy knowing about any other contemporary's success, as I was knowing about hers.
Her pics in Mani's profile showed how beuatiful she had become over the years, how much like the Pragya I imagined her to be , when I thought of her. While I think, age , worry, life in general, somehow wilts the struggling ambitious average education seeking individual, she was perhaps doing something she truly loved and thus appeared to be blooming. That captivating, powerful smile, is still etched in my mind.
So when I heard the news from somal about her demise, it was like a bolt of lightening.
I am scared to think what may have happened. I am scared to think what I might hear.
I am not even sure I want to know.
I want to remember her forever like the girl I knew and so admired- the lovely Pragya Freya Mehrotra.